It wasn't always so.........
When they were babies I smugly fed them all sorts of stuff like tapas, casseroles, curry, moussaka. They would shovel it in to their mouths like it was nectar. No fussy little bastards for me I thought. Well I was wrong. I am now the proud mother of Oscar who eats Weetabix, chocolate, ham sandwiches, fish fingers and chips and maybe an occasional omelette. He doesn't like fruit. He once cried because there was some fruit on the table. He will however have an Innocent smoothie and he likes jam. We haven't told him that it's a fruit derivative. He doesn't eat sweets as they taste of fruit and he doesn't have yogurt for the same reason. In Oscar world though, Frubes are acceptable. We haven't told him that they are yogurts. He wretches if we try and force the issue. Ted and Bella aren't quite as bad but they like strawberries and they love sugar but they hate jam. What the fuck?
I thought that I'd inflict some vitamins on them today as mummies do.
I went to the supermarket and did a full shop. It's the bank holiday, we will eat like kings I thought. £150 was spent, admittedly there was £40s worth of gin. I bought all the ingredients to make Jamie's fish pie. I didn't check the recipe, I just did it from memory and so naturally I had to go to Sainsbury's local on the way home from school pick up to get the missing double cream and mature cheddar.
When they were babies I smugly fed them all sorts of stuff like tapas, casseroles, curry, moussaka. They would shovel it in to their mouths like it was nectar. No fussy little bastards for me I thought. Well I was wrong. I am now the proud mother of Oscar who eats Weetabix, chocolate, ham sandwiches, fish fingers and chips and maybe an occasional omelette. He doesn't like fruit. He once cried because there was some fruit on the table. He will however have an Innocent smoothie and he likes jam. We haven't told him that it's a fruit derivative. He doesn't eat sweets as they taste of fruit and he doesn't have yogurt for the same reason. In Oscar world though, Frubes are acceptable. We haven't told him that they are yogurts. He wretches if we try and force the issue. Ted and Bella aren't quite as bad but they like strawberries and they love sugar but they hate jam. What the fuck?
I thought that I'd inflict some vitamins on them today as mummies do.
I went to the supermarket and did a full shop. It's the bank holiday, we will eat like kings I thought. £150 was spent, admittedly there was £40s worth of gin. I bought all the ingredients to make Jamie's fish pie. I didn't check the recipe, I just did it from memory and so naturally I had to go to Sainsbury's local on the way home from school pick up to get the missing double cream and mature cheddar.
I always find that anything with mashed potato takes longer to make than you'd think. So I managed to get the gigantic fish pie in the oven by 5.10. Bella has to to go to gymnastics at 6.00 so we were cutting it fine.
I turned around after putting the prize in the oven and surveyed the utter fucking carnage that was my kitchen. It looked like a mini cyclone had landed and thrown potato peelings, spinach, onion skins and grated cheese around whilst some psychopath had burned shit on to the hob and used every knife, chopping board and pan in the house. Not one but two colanders had been used. Lemon juicers and parsley stalks littered the work surfaces. Blobs of mashed potato had been splattered on to the floor and were now drying out like badly applied cement.There had been pots in the sink when I had needed to strain the potatoes and so I'd got them out and abandoned them.
I turned around after putting the prize in the oven and surveyed the utter fucking carnage that was my kitchen. It looked like a mini cyclone had landed and thrown potato peelings, spinach, onion skins and grated cheese around whilst some psychopath had burned shit on to the hob and used every knife, chopping board and pan in the house. Not one but two colanders had been used. Lemon juicers and parsley stalks littered the work surfaces. Blobs of mashed potato had been splattered on to the floor and were now drying out like badly applied cement.There had been pots in the sink when I had needed to strain the potatoes and so I'd got them out and abandoned them.
I washed everything up by hand. I put the fish bag outside in the grey bin. I bleached the work surfaces as fish juice had gone on them and then finally I put some broccoli on to steam.
We sat down to eat at 5.40. I ate my dinner and had seconds. It was fucking lush. As I had finished my second gigantic helping this is the conversation at the table.
"What's this red thing?"
"It's a carrot, carrots are fine"
"I will eat the potato but I'm not eating the curry"
"It's fish, you like fish"
"What's this pink stuff?"
"It's salmon. Eat it please it's fish"
"What's the green stuff?"
"It's spinach, it doesn't taste of anything. Just pop it in your mouth"
"Bella, you've not started. You need to eat and we need to leave for gymnastics"
"What's this?"
This goes on for 20 minutes. Nobody eats anything. They poke it around and ask questions until I tell Bella that she's missed gymnastics. They all have big black circles under their eyes anyway.
I then cleaned up again and got Dangerous to make me a fuck off gigantic gin and tonic.
"Do you actually want any tonic in this?" he asks
We sat down to eat at 5.40. I ate my dinner and had seconds. It was fucking lush. As I had finished my second gigantic helping this is the conversation at the table.
"What's this red thing?"
"It's a carrot, carrots are fine"
"I will eat the potato but I'm not eating the curry"
"It's fish, you like fish"
"What's this pink stuff?"
"It's salmon. Eat it please it's fish"
"What's the green stuff?"
"It's spinach, it doesn't taste of anything. Just pop it in your mouth"
"Bella, you've not started. You need to eat and we need to leave for gymnastics"
"What's this?"
This goes on for 20 minutes. Nobody eats anything. They poke it around and ask questions until I tell Bella that she's missed gymnastics. They all have big black circles under their eyes anyway.
I then cleaned up again and got Dangerous to make me a fuck off gigantic gin and tonic.
"Do you actually want any tonic in this?" he asks
And that is why we are married.
That is 2 hours of my life that I will never get back plus a bit extra for trying to spoon it into their mouths.
Ted had a muller crunch corner and then went to get a packet of crisps straight after his tea. I drew the line at the crisps and told him that he was taking liberties.
Oh and I've got to clean the bastard oven as the sauce leaked everywhere.
As a wise woman once said "Fuck this shit."
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| You can fuck off Jamie with your fish pie |
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| It's Gin o'clock |
